I'm Going To HELL

I'm going to hell. That's right, I'm gonna burn.

I've been at war all week with good cathy and bad cathy. Bad is winning.

I have distanced myself from the whole thing but I just know I am going to burn in hell for the part I played up til now.

My sons girlfriend is pregnant and not just a little bit. HE doesn't want it. SHE doesn't want it. ROBERT doesn't want it. But I do.

I bought the pregnancy test.
I took her to the walk in clinic to be confirmed by a doctor.
I took her for blood test and typing. (the reason why will be apparent later)
I took her for her ultrasound.
I took her for and paid for photo ID.
I made phone calls, gave hugs, made her laugh when she needed to and listened when she needed to talk.
I booked and paid for a hotel room in Edmonton for them both.

But I refuse to go to the clinic with her this week. I refuse. She asked me to, said I was more supportive than him and she'd feel better. But I can't. I just can't.

As much as I know it is for the best, that neither of them are financially, emotionally and mentally capable of raising a child and that mine and Roberts life would change dramatically I still have yearnings.

They dislike each other, are only together because of convenience and laziness, they've both said it . They are both as stupid as dirt or this never would have happened. It is no enviroment to bring a child into.

How the hell did the world become disposable. How did it become so easy to just toss something so special as a child, out with the trash. How many years I yearned for the chance to have had another child, and here it is, so close, half way there, and I have to say nothing, be supportive.

Alright, I don't know if I really want the diapers, the night feedings, the crying, the temper tantrums. I just want the dream. A child, smiles, giggles, hugs and I love you's.

Oh well, I'll try to stay busy later this week and when it's all said and done, things might get back to normal, what ever that is. It's just really difficult to make yourself do something while every fibre of your being is screaming that it's wrong.

The bad cathy, on top of doing all the leg work with the girl to set up her appointment and getting them a hotel room, kinda hopes that they split up afterwards because I think I might have a bit of trouble being friendly afterwards. I don't know, I just don't know.

Every mother should be a willling mother, every child, a wanted child. Dr. H.M.

It's wanted, Oh yes, just not enough I guess. I'm so sorry.